When we begin to talk about trauma, it is important to understand that trauma isn’t what happens to you, but rather how your body and brain react to that experience. Not everyone responds the same way. Some people are more predisposed to developing post-traumatic stress
A traumatic event can cause your brain to get stuck in danger mode, even long after the threat is gone. It’s like your body is still on high alert, constantly sending out stress signals. This can lead to a dysregulated nervous system, making it hard to find peace and calm.
Trauma can leave a lasting imprint on our minds and bodies. When we experience a traumatic event, our brain switches into survival mode to protect us. This response is crucial in moments of real danger, but for many of us, our brains can get stuck in this high-alert state even after the danger has passed.
“Trauma can make it feel like you’re never safe, even if the world appears to be safe to everyone around you. This makes it incredibly difficult to explain to non-traumatized people, who can’t see the ‘reason’ why you feel anxious, scared, or powerless. Not all wounds are visible.” – Ella Hicks
What Happens to Your Brain? During trauma, the amygdala (the part of the brain responsible for detecting threats) becomes overactive, while the prefrontal cortex (responsible for rational thinking and decision-making) can become underactive. This imbalance means that even when you’re safe, your brain might still perceive threats, causing constant stress and anxiety.
The Impact on Your Body A dysregulated nervous system means your body is in a constant state of fight, flight, or freeze. This ongoing stress can lead to physical symptoms like headaches, muscle tension, digestive issues, and chronic fatigue. Emotionally, you might feel hypervigilant, irritable, or emotionally numb.
Healing and Regulation Healing from trauma involves teaching your brain and body that it’s safe again. Here are a few steps to start:
1. Grounding Techniques
Deep Breathing: Practicing deep, slow breaths can activate the parasympathetic nervous system, which helps to calm the body. Try inhaling for four counts, holding for four, and exhaling for four.
Mindfulness Meditation: Engage in mindfulness meditation to bring your focus to the present moment. Apps like Headspace or Calm can guide you through the process.
Grounding Exercises: Techniques like pressing your feet into the ground, holding a piece of ice, or focusing on your surroundings can help anchor you in the present moment.
2. Therapy and Support
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing): This therapeutic approach helps process and integrate traumatic memories, reducing their emotional charge.
Somatic Experiencing: This method focuses on bodily sensations to release stored trauma and regulate the nervous system.
Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT): CBT helps reframe negative thought patterns and develop healthier coping mechanisms.
3. Self-Compassion
Gentle Self-Talk: Replace self-criticism with supportive and understanding self-talk. Recognize your progress and effort, regardless of the pace.
Mindful Self-Compassion: Practices such as loving-kindness meditation can help you develop a kinder relationship with yourself.
4. Healthy Lifestyle
Regular Exercise: Physical activity, especially aerobic exercises like walking, running, or dancing, can help regulate stress hormones and boost mood.
Balanced Diet: Eating a nutritious diet supports overall well-being and can help stabilize mood swings.
Sufficient Sleep: Prioritize sleep hygiene to ensure you get adequate rest, which is crucial for healing and emotional regulation.
Joyful Activities: Engage in hobbies and activities that bring you joy, whether it’s painting, reading, gardening, or spending time in nature.
5. Community
Supportive Relationships: Cultivate relationships with people who understand and support you. Sharing your experiences can foster connection and validation.
Support Groups: Join support groups, either in-person or online, where you can share your journey with others who have similar experiences.
Rebel Thriver Community: In the Rebel Thriver Village, a private online community for women survivors of DV, abuse, and trauma, we provide a safe space for sharing and support. Connect with us and other members who are on a similar path to healing.
“Trauma isn’t just the bad stuff that happened. It’s also the good stuff that never happened.” – Dr. Heidi Green
Remember, You Are Not Alone
When I first began my healing journey, I was overwhelmed and completely isolated. I struggled with constant anxiety and physical symptoms that seemed unexplainable. I had no point of reference for domestic violence; I didn’t think I knew anyone who had experienced it…little did I know then what I know now.
Eventually, I was diagnosed with CPTSD, Complex Post Traumatic Stress (disorder). There wasn’t much talk about trauma back then, so I started reading everything I could find in order to help myself and my children. I learned grounding techniques, embraced self-compassion, and slowly started to reclaim my sense of safety. I took classes and joined webinars, ultimately leading me to get my certification as a Clinical Trauma Professional and as a Mindfulness Coach.
In 2012, I created this blog in the hope of meeting other women who shared my experiences. I reached my trembling hand out into the darkness, and thousands of women from around the world reached back. Rebel Thriver quickly grew into a beautiful global community of people who understood each other’s lived experiences. This makes all the difference.
If you’re feeling stuck, remember that seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Rebel Thriver is here to support and uplift women every step of the way. Together, we can find peace and reclaim our sense of safety and well-being.
Much Love, Ella xx
If you are interested in working with Ellaas a private client:Individual Sessions
If you are interested in joining one of Ella’s popular group coaching experiencesfor women: BLOOM or Wildflowers
If you are interested in joining our private online community, the Village, you can join us here: rebelthrivertribe.com
It’s that time again, when the earth begins to bloom in all her splendor. As we dance into the sacred fires of Beltane this year, our hearts alight with the flames of ancient wisdom, we are reminded of the intricate web of life that surrounds us. In this season of blossoming and growth, we honor the interconnectedness of all living beings and the profound magic that courses through every leaf, every creature, every breath of wind.
Yet, as we revel in the beauty of nature’s renewal, we cannot deny the blatant reminders of darkness that confront us. Across the lands, the cries of the earth echo with pain, her body scarred by the relentless pursuit of profit and power. Communities torn apart by conflict, ecosystems laid waste by greed – these are the wounds inflicted by those who have forgotten the sacred dance of reciprocity and respect.
But even in the midst of darkness, there is hope. For as women of the earth, we carry within us the seeds of transformation, the power to heal and restore balance to our world. Within the Triple Goddess – Maiden, Mother, Crone – we embody the energy of the Maiden during Beltane, invoking her spirit of vitality, sensuality, creativity, and new beginnings. The seeds of intention that we planted at Imbolc are now blooming.
With every step we take, every word we speak, we are weaving the threads of a new story – a story of harmony, reverence, and deep-rooted connection. So let us gather around the Beltane bonfires not only to celebrate, but also to envision a future where all living beings are honored and cherished.
Let us reclaim our role as stewards of the earth, guardians of her sacred mysteries. And let us dedicate ourselves to the work of healing, knowing that in the dance of life, every step we take is a prayer for the renewal of the world.
As the flames leap higher and the drumbeats echo in our souls, let us remember that we are not alone. Together, we hold the power to create a world of beauty, balance, and boundless possibility. Learn more about the Gaelic tradition of Beltane
⚓️ Rebel Thriver, founder 🕊️ Trauma & Mindfulness Coach ♥︎ Community Building ꩜ Alchemy for Women: Healing with Sacred Feminine Wisdom ꩜ Bloom Where You’re Planted: Cultivating Inner Growth ꩜ Wildflowers Journey: Awakening the Divine Feminine ꩜ Sacred Initiation: Embodying the Divine Feminine
Ever felt like you were living someone else’s nightmare?
That’s exactly where I found myself in my late twenties, trapped in an abusive marriage that shattered any illusion of love. But from that darkness emerged something incredible: Rebel Thriver.
Recently I updated my story, which is also the story of the evolution of Rebel Thriver, my braver double, and the nonprofit movement that I founded for survivors of domestic violence. I would like to share with you the journey that led me to where we are today, because like most of the women in our community, I too am a survivor of domestic violence.
In my late twenties, I found myself trapped in an abusive marriage, the veil of love obscured all of the warning signs to me, not that I would have recognized them anyway. What began as a whirlwind romance soon descended into a nightmare of abuse and manipulation. The honeymoon phase shattered with an explosion, leaving me terrified and uncertain of what lay ahead.
Over the years of our marriage, the abuse ebbed and flowed, a relentless cycle of hope and despair. Despite the red flags and the escalating danger, I clung to the belief that love could conquer all. It wasn’t until the arrival of my children that the gravity of the situation became undeniable. The pressures of parenthood only fueled the volatility, and I knew I had to break free to protect my children and myself, but I didn’t know how. I was threatened that if I tried to leave, it would be the end of all of us.
Leaving behind everything I knew, I made a literal leap of faith—one cold, dark night, with a child on each hip and nothing but the clothes on our backs. It was a moment of profound uncertainty, stepping into the unknown without a roadmap or safety net. Home, career, friends, colleagues, finances, identities—all left behind in pursuit of safety and freedom.
As I started out on this journey of survival, I faced unimaginable challenges and moments of deep despair. Isolation and fear were present everyday. The road to healing was long and arduous, but through sheer determination and the unwavering love for my children, I found the strength to rebuild my life from the ground up.
Rebel Thriver emerged from the depths of my own struggle—a beacon of hope for survivors like me, seeking solace and solidarity in the face of adversity. It all started as a humble blog, a space for me to connect to other survivors for support. I reached my hand into the darkness and I still can’t believe how many hands reached back to me!
Today, Rebel Thriver stands as a testament to the resilience of the human spirit—a community of survivors united in our commitment to healing and empowerment. Our mission is clear: to provide holistic support to survivors of domestic violence, offering a lifeline in their darkest hours.
Did you know that domestic violence is a pervasive global issue, affecting one in four women? Yet, despite its prevalence, many survivors face profound isolation and lack access to essential support services. When I left my abusive marriage, there was no organization to help me rebuild my life—I was alone, grappling with the aftermath of trauma and navigating uncharted territory. The therapists I sought out were not trauma informed and often retraumatized both myself and my children in their misguided attempts to help us heal.
Our team of dedicated volunteers share a deep understanding of the challenges survivors face, drawing strength from our own journeys of healing and transformation. Together, we stand against domestic violence, advocating for a future where every individual is free from fear and oppression. Our community is a beautiful reflection of survivors’ strength and vulnerability. Together we face daily challenges in a peer to peer environment that never fails to deliver hope and loving support.
If you’re here, I don’t think that it is by mistake. Please know that you’re not alone. You matter. Your story matters, and by sharing it, you inspire hope in others.
In the Rebel Thriver community every voice is heard, and every story is valued.
In the realm of Amazon Prime’s extensive library, there’s a hidden gem that recently caught my attention: “The Lost Flowers of Alice Hart.” Highly recommended by my friend Heather, I embarked on this journey, not fully prepared for the emotions it would stir within me. As I sat through its episodes, I found myself very triggered, and I felt a strong urge to share my thoughts and experiences with all of you.
When my friend initially asked if I had seen this series, I responded with a “no,” but with a promise to check it out. Her emphatic endorsement made it clear that this was a must-watch. I opened up Amazon Prime, and to my surprise, I discovered that the show had been partially viewed, halfway through the first episode. I thought that perhaps my son’s girlfriend had started it, so I decided to begin from the very beginning.
As the story unfolded, I couldn’t help but notice some eerie familiarity, which I initially attributed to a trailer or an advertisement I might have glimpsed earlier. I persisted with my viewing. When I reached the halfway point, a profound realization struck me – I had watched this episode before. I had watched until the midway mark and then abruptly turned it off. The reason was simple: it had triggered me to such an extent that I had buried the memory deep within my psyche. This is the insidious nature of trauma; it can hide within us, resurfacing unexpectedly.
This time, I pushed through the initial discomfort and watched the entire first episode. Last night, I completed all seven episodes. It was emotionally challenging at times, but I persevered because I understood why my friend had recommended it so strongly. It was a necessary watch. “The Lost Flowers of Alice Hart” mirrors my life and the mission of Rebel Thriver in countless ways. To avoid spoilers, I won’t delve into the storyline any further.
Connection is vital for survivors on a path of healing. Sharing the stories of survivors and listening to their voices is essential. Healing cannot thrive in isolation; we require spaces where we can come together and simply be. I am grateful to Amazon Prime for featuring this profoundly realistic production. It tells a version of our stories that educates people and validates the experiences of survivors worldwide, even though it originates from Australia.
I wholeheartedly encourage all the women you know to watch this Prime show. Sigourney Weaver’s portrayal in the lead role is nothing short of incredible, and she is supported by a cast of complex and dynamic female characters. Ultimately, at its core, the series conveys a message of healing and resilience, leaving a powerful impact.
I know it may be hard to watch, but I encourage you to try. Share this with your friends and consider having a watch party with it. Like trauma, this story has layers that need to be unpacked. There are patterns of generational abuse and dysfunction, and this is a place where we can see the big picture laid out. It’s like an archeological dig…little by little you begin to unearth the truth.
Ella xx
“And her light stretches over salt sea equally and flowerdeep fields.” -Sappho
Survivors of complex trauma, such as domestic abuse, have a lot to learn about what’s happened to their brains and nervous systems in order to understand what it is that they are trying to heal. The study of trauma is relatively new. It was only in 1980 that the American Psychology Association added PTSD to the DSM-3 (the guide for medical diagnosis), and then it was mainly applied to veterans who up until now were considered to have “shellshock”. In 2014, after 32 years of studying trauma, Dr. Bessel van der Kolk wrote, The Body Keeps the Score, which has had an enormous impact at how we look at trauma. It is now on the New York Times Bestseller list for the last 96 consecutive weeks. It’s interesting that a book about trauma is on the bestsellers list isn’t it? We are collectively becoming aware of the effects of trauma on the neurobiology of the brain.
When something triggers us (known or unknown), our Amygdala (part of brain responsible for emotions), acts as the “smoke detector” so to speak. It warns us of a threat, and it sets off a chain reaction in our body/brain that leads us into fight, flight, or freeze. This is a trauma response. What happens next is that we react, but without the help of our frontal lobe (behind your forehead) which is our thinking brain (reasoning, problem solving, verbal expression, memory of events, and facts). Instead, we react with our Reptilian Brain (brainstem is at the base of the head/neck) which is non-thinking, but rather instinctive. This is when we often feel that adrenaline dump (adrenaline increases your heart rate, elevates your blood pressure, and boosts energy supplies).
When we have a trauma response we react without the help of our “thinking brain’. This is the hard part about trauma, we cannot think our way through a response because our prefrontal cortex goes “off line” and as a result you cannot ‘talk’ your way to healing. You CAN however practice new ways to respond. The brain is amazing and has neuroplasticity*, which means that it can create new neural pathways, and thus new habits.
This is what works for me and for many others. It’s called box breathing.
Inhale deeply and slowly for 4 seconds (can do 5 or 6 seconds if you prefer). Hold breath for 4 seconds. Slowly exhale your breath for 4 seconds. Rest for 4 seconds. Repeat.
This can become your default setting when you become triggered, but you need to practice it in order for it to become a habit. Start out doing a series of 4 deep breath cycles, 3 times a day. I took it a little further…everytime I hit a red light I would practice box breathing. Everytime the phone rang I would practice…..so forth and so on. I can’t say exactly how long it took, but my body started to automatically switch to box breathing when something triggered me. When my body automatically switches into box breathing mode, my mind is able to address what is happening sooner. It is then that I start saying to myself “It’s okay. You are okay. You are safe.” This has really helped me more than anything else.
For those of us with severe post traumatic stress (CPTSD) things can get better, but that won’t happen by just giving it ‘time’ or through talk therapy. You must take an active role in your healing. The above may sound complicated, but it’s really not. The abuse I endured was intense and my body skips fright or flight, and goes directly into freeze mode. My first response always is to stop breathing when I am triggered, which of course makes it even worse. Box breathing has given me a sense of control back, and I cannot express how life changing this can be. When you begin to heal you may feel that you are trapped within yourself by all of the uncontrolled responses and reactions that are happening around you, and within you. You are far from powerless though and with practice you too can learn to help ease some of your own trauma responses. There is hope, but you must be an active participant and student of your own experience.
I started educating myself about the effects of trauma (domestic violence) because i was absolutely lost. I had no idea what was going on within me. I had left the abuse, but my mind still felt like a minefield, and my body kept betraying me. I went to therapists, doctors, tried EMDR, but no one explained to me why I was feeling the way I was. When I learned about the neurobiology of the brain and the effect that trauma has on it, as well as the autonomic nervous system, everything changed. I was able to see what I could do in order to help myself recover from a trauma response. I realized that I was not just being pushed along by the currents, but that I in fact had some control over the experience. This was life changing for me. I encourage you to learn more about yourself and how trauma has affected you, because it helps you feel a little more whole.
Ella xx
**When looking for a therapist make sure that they are ‘trauma informed’ and that they are trained in EMDR therapy. For some people, including myself, I find that medicine helps me greatly. I am a healthy, clean eating woman that doesn’t like taking any medication, however, sometimes it is the right thing to do for you.
**In September 2022 I will be leading a book club on The Body Keeps the Score in the Rebel Thriver online community, The Village. (rebelthrivertribe.com)
* Neuroplasticity: The brain’s ability to reorganize itself by forming new neural connections throughout life. Neuroplasticity allows the neurons (nerve cells) in the brain to compensate for injury and disease and to adjust their activities in response to new situations or to changes in their environment.
