by Ella | Jan 29, 2015 | ELLA |
I hope that you never have to make a call to save your life. I hope you never know that kind of fear. Knowing that your life hangs in the balance; on a thin thread which is about to snap. I hope you never feel hunted or like your next move, if you are lucky enough to get one, has a narrow margin of success. I hope that you never know what it feel like to face death in the face of someone you thought once loved you.
It’s that time of year again where the subject of Domestic Violence gains media traction because the Super Bowl is approaching. Urban Myth has it set that it is the day with the highest rate of reported abuse of one domestic partner to another. This year we saw the NFL struggling to keep face after Baltimore Raven’s player Ray Rice knocked his then fiancé out in an elevator. Rice was initially suspended for two games. The relatively small penalty caused national controversy. He was later suspended indefinitely, but that decision was overturned. We saw other players being called out on domestic related violence as well. It wasn’t a stellar year for the old boys club.
I want you to know that Domestic Violence Happens Each Sunday—Not Just Super Bowl Sunday.
I am glad to see the NFL responding to this with a little proactive flair. This Super Bowl Sunday which is quickly approaching will have millions of people world-wide watching. Some just watching for the ever so famous commercials. On February 1, 2015 the Super Bowl will air, but what is a little different this year is that there will be a PSA about domestic violence.
No More, an anti-domestic-violence campaign, and the ad agency Grey New York have come together to produce a few chilling reminders that THIS is still a HUGE problem in our society. The NFL donated a 30-second slot for the ad and paid for its production. The video is a chilling reminder that so many women live in fear in their own homes. Everyday, not just on Super Bowl Sunday.
To some I realize that it will be a mere bleep in the days advertisements. It may not be memorable to many. It may even cause a backlash in some homes, but it is worth it.
This weekend when millions are riveted to the television, my hope is that it will create a ripple across the land. Something positive out of a horrid situation that occurred the day that Ray Rice decided to finally call the darkness into the light.
The PSA is very simple. There is a woman making a call for pizza from her slightly disheveled home. When the other end answers you don’t hear “Hello Domino’s”, but rather “Mam, you have reached 911. This is an emergency line.” She continues to order her pizza, “Large with half pepperoni, half mushrooms.” The 911 operator keeps trying to tell her that she dialed the wrong number and she just keeps ordering her pizza, until he asks her if she is okay. Is this an emergency?
I hope that this will resonate across the millions turned into the game that will be peppered with commercials of scantily clad women selling chips and celebrities self promoting. I hope that this commercial is THE ONE that will have people talking. I know that my hopes may fall on millions of deaf ears and blind eyes, but I desperately want this to be seen. This is the real deal. According to Grey New York, the ad was based on a real 911 dispatch (paywall), found on a Reddit thread asking dispatchers about their most memorable calls.
Reality really sucks sometimes. I once had to make a call like this myself. It was either me or him, and I decided that I wasn’t going down like that. xo Ella
http://http://youtu.be/rTJT3fVv1vU
by Ella | Jan 25, 2015 | ELLA |
“I have learned that the most important things are tenderness and kindness. I can’t do without them.” – Brigitte Bardot
Tenderness and kindness are a necessity in the work that I do, as are empathy and compassion. It’s something that you learn especially if you have been kicked in the gut and to the floor as many times as I have. When a person is hurting its heart wrenching for me and I focus on trying to help them see that there is a way through the pain. The pain will end. This is best shown through a gentle spirit.
I am taking a class that my friend Samantha is giving. When she asked me if I would like to join, my first thought was that I am already spread out too thin. Something though told me that I needed to do this for my own growth. When I got her workbook I quickly realized that this was going to kick my ass. The course is called Tender to My Soul. This journey is about focusing on showing myself a little bit of tenderness. What did I sign up for? I don’t have time for this. I have way too much to do!
Tenderness, (noun).
1. A tendency to express warm, compassionate feelings. (check)
2. Concern for the feelings or welfare of others. (check)
3. Gentleness, kindness, compassion. (check)
Am I tender with others? Absolutely, but with myself not so much. What does it mean to be tender with yourself and whats the best way to go about it? The thing I love about my friend Samantha is that she is a wordsmith in the most gentle of ways. Instead of giving us a traditional workbook to trudge through she gave us a beautiful work of art that is a place to sit, ponder, listen, and understand. Most importantly is has given me the message to SLOW DOWN. What is the rush for any way?
How can we see to be tender to ourselves if we are constantly rushing around. We are so over scheduled and working towards the next best thing that we think a 5 minute meditation in the morning is going to be fuel enough to get us through. Not quite so true. When you think about it we give much more time and tenderness to other people. How can we be our best if we aren’t taking the time to lavish ourselves with a little tenderness as well?
“You don’t blast a heart open. You coax it and nurture it open like the sun does to a rose.” – Melody Beattie
I just finished writing an article on finding clarity. I state that you don’t seek clarity you become it. It goes hand in hand with tenderness, don’t you see? In order to truly evolve you must be tender to your own soul. This means taking a holistic approach to your life. You must learn to slow down. Create healthy boundaries and learn to say “no”. You must clear out some of the static that prevents you from having your personal time. Hey, this is really important. You are really important.
For me tenderness for myself is a new concept. I have worked on a lot of other things, but not this or at least not from this perspective. I am just starting out on this journey, but the first thing that I have noticed is the freedom I am giving myself to carve out time for joy me. Constructive time and a safe space to really dig deep to my soul. I am tired of short-changing myself while giving my best to others. In truth, I will serve better if I am in tune with myself. I am ready to stop the inner battles, name calling, and the wicked critic. I am ready to learn to love all the part of me that I haven’t given myself space to do yet. This is the year that I learn to be tender to my soul and I would love to invite you to do the same. xo Ella
“There isn’t an agony in the world more powerful than tenderness.” – Marlena De Blasi
by Ella | Jan 20, 2015 | ELLA, Uncategorized |
You must learn a new way to think before you can master a new way to be. – Marianne Williamson.
Ever since I can remember I have been hyper organized. In fact, I used to be called anal retentive. I laugh at the thought of that now because my life has changed so incredibly much since then. When I reflect on the young woman who was so fastidious with everything I see fear. In an attempt to fight back I tried to control. What I learned was that I have no control. It was an illusion and I felt like such a failure for trying so hard to beat an invisible opponent that could never lose.
A shift happened in my life when I left my abusive husband. I finally saw my borderline OCD for what it truly was. An all-consuming attempt to cover up the real lack of control I had been living with for so long in my marriage. My desire to keep things looking “together” for everyone else was a failure. I was a fraud and one hell of an actress.
I left and let as much of it go as I possibly could; I let go of the husband, the career, the abuse, the money, the fancy car, the clothes, my home, and my friends. I left it all behind, and with it I left my need to control. My attempt to create the facade of “normal” just kept me bound to the abuse. If I had exposed the truth of my situation I felt like I would look a failure for not succeeding in my relationship. In trying so hard to win I lost.
I have been searching for clarity ever since my divorce years ago. If asked what I am looking for in my life, I respond with one word, clarity. Unfortunately, most days I live with what I refer to as brain fog. My thoughts are disjointed and so very far from the woman who had once run an empire in a busy city. I couldn’t figure out how I could have gone from being so hyper-aware and organized to this. I decided that I would passively seek for clarity. I had no idea what end was up, but I just knew if I stopped trying to force everything, it would present itself to me at the right time.
I didn’t know how to seek clarity. I thought if I read books, took classes, and sought guidance that I would finally come into it in my own time. I found myself always looking for some sort of clear channel that would tell me what the hell to do. It never came, and so I waited and attempted to sit with the unknown. Moving forward on my foggy journey was hard because I had no idea where I was going. I wasn’t able to look at the big picture. Starting over is hard, especially when you have a lot of baggage to unpack. I was on the one step at a time plan, and it was here that I learned to rely on my faith.
It took me many years to see that I wasn’t gaining clarity, but learning patience. I finally understood clarity when I stopped looking for it, and decided to be it. If I had taken time to focus on my inner self rather than just keeping busy (in a lame attempt to hide the fact that I had no idea where I was going) I may have realized sooner that it was futile. You can only become clear when you are able to sit and just be. No journey. No seeking. No controlling. Just me, myself, and I, sitting very quietly and listening.
xo Ella
by Ella | Sep 13, 2014 | ELLA |
I decided to devote my life to telling the story because I felt that having survived I owe something to the dead. and anyone who does not remember betrays them again. – Elie Wiesel
All it takes is one action to cause a reaction. This week I watched Janay Palmer get knocked out in an elevator, and my writers block disappeared. I wrote frantically, as though someones life depended upon it. I wrote because I had no other choice. As a survivor of abuse it is now my calling; I share my story so that others may have an example that says, “If I can do this so can you.” There are so many women who are unable to verbalize the darkness that lives in the deep corners of their soul. I speak for those who can’t find their voice, and I speak for those who didn’t make it out alive. I write so that we remember…
Because of indifference, one dies before one actually dies. – Elie Wiesel
They say the opposite of love isn’t hate, its indifference. When we see a wrong and turn a blind eye we are in fact perpetuating hate. The Constitution was written to secure the blessings of liberty. However the truth is so often very far from this for many women in this country. It may not appear so to the naked eye, but close their front doors and the cage is waiting.
In any society, fanatics who hate don’t hate only me – they hate you, too. They hate everybody. – Elie Wiesel
There is a huge gap of misunderstanding in our society on the subject of domestic violence. I understand that for those who have never been exposed, its hard to wrap your head around the concept of trauma bonding. I lived it, and it took me years to wrap my head around it. I needed to be able to step back and understand what had happened to me; what happens to so many women. This is the human condition and we are all a part of the cause and the solution. Hate is an evil parasite that feeds on whatever it can get it’s hands on, so never say that it couldn’t happen to you because hate does not discriminate.
Someone who hates one group will end up hating everyone – and, ultimately, hating himself or herself. – Elie Wiesel
The German philosopher Nietzsche believed that whoever did not control would be controlled. The marginalized often rise up to become the oppressor. It’s written all over our history books and it’s written on the hospital walls where so many battered women go to die. Control is the epi-center for most abusers. The moment their control is questioned or challenged any facade of order is shattered, and the shit hits the fan. There are many pathologies that can create an abuser, but they have one thing in common, they HATE.
I swore never to be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. – Elie Wiesel
It has taken me years to find my voice. Like so many survivors my brain has suffered enormous stress. Understand that not all wounds are visible. My adrenal glands are fatigued, I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and chronic anxiety. It’s hard for me to deal with “me” many days. Can you imagine living with a fight or flight response; adrenaline coursing through your veins? You are in hyperdrive. Let me tell you that adrenaline is not a great bedfellow. In spite of all this, I have worked so incredibly hard to find my way here. To a place that I can string two thoughts together in order to speak not just my truth, but so many countless others. I don’t write for literary accolades, I write to save my life, and hopefully others.
Mankind must remember that peace is not God’s gift to his creatures; peace is our gift to each other. -Elie Wiesel
Lately I have struggled with the notion that my legacy is simply going to be that I survived my abuser, but I desire much more. It’s an ugly story and not one that any little girl fantasizes about for her future. It is my belief that I survived so that I can hold the hands of others as they struggle to find their way after abuse. There are moments where I feel burdened, afraid, and exhausted. The kind of exhaustion that cuts to the core; along with headaches, stomach issues, and cognitive issues. I battle night terrors, those God awful memories that come out when you are off guard; the insomniacs accomplice. There are days when I just want to wake up, walk away, and declare that I have put in my time. This week has given me a renewed call to action. As awful and ugly as my story is I must keep sharing it because my voice is bringing hope to those who can’t speak up for themselves. Like I did, they are probably trying to figure out “how the hell did I end up here?”. My gift to them is a voice, hope for a life beyond the abuse, and light to follow when theirs is dimming. It’s a lonely and dark place to be when you are trapped in an abusive relationship.
Our obligation is to give meaning to life and in doing so to overcome the passive, indifferent life. – Elie Wiesel
I quote Elie Wiesel here because he was such a light for me during a very dark time. He gave me hope, not only for a new beginning, but for peace. I believed him and he was right. My life hasn’t been a fairytale. In fact I am covered in invisible scars. What was it all for? I have to believe that it was for a greater good. That I was called to lead other women to find hope. To show them that freedom is viable and that starting over is possible. If I stayed quiet I would be doing a great injustice. I may only be one person, but I walk with courage, dignity, love, determination, and gratitude. If I remained silent, out of fear, I would be turning a blind eye to the truth and in turn endorsing the abuser. So I write…. xo Ella
When a person doesn’t have gratitude, something is missing in his or her humanity. – Elie Wiesel
by Ella | Sep 11, 2014 | ELLA |
http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/didnt-leave-abuse-survivor-speaks-fiff/”>
by Ella | Jun 15, 2014 | ELLA |
When my dear friend Patricia Saxton asked me to join her “blog hop” I responded with an instant “YES”. I have neglected my writing for months and I am always better on a deadline of sorts. So, I took that challenge and here I am preparing to write about writing. We all have our own way of doing things…our methods. I am not trained in the art of writing, but I have always kept journals. I am actually a visual artist and writing a public blog is something that I started to do a little over two years ago. If you choose to continue to read on you will find out what got me started blogging, why I blog, and what I am working on currently. This way please…..
What am I working on/writing?
I wish I could say that I sit down and write my blog religiously every day. Actually, it’s been a bit of a dry spell for me the last few months. I am always working on something though. I run a private group for women under the Rebel Thriver umbrella and it is where my heart lies. We are all walking our paths; survivors of this life in one way or another and it is there that I focus much of my attention. I am currently working on writing my first public workshop for Rebel Thriver. It will be the foundation for all other workshops to build upon and I am really excited about it. I am in the process of writing a piece for The Good Men Project (www.goodmenproject.com). I have been asked to write an open letter to men addressing the issues that we as women feel that men need to work on. It’s a brilliant opportunity to connect with enlightened men and start a conversation for a greater understanding. Finally, I am starting to pull my first book together. I am not putting pressure on myself though, for I feel that when it is meant to happen it will just flow from within. I plan to write a few books before I lay down my pen.
How does my work/writing differ from others of its genre?
I don’t really feel as though I have a genre. I write in the moment and I am full on stream of consciousness. Sometimes I feel like I step out of my body and my spirit is writing what my mind cannot articulate. I am a free spirit and I approach my writing in the same way. There are no rules for me to break, no lines to color within, and my brush is big. Every piece I write is an adventure. There are no maps or outlines, just me and the blank.
Why do I write what I do?
I am a survivor of domestic violence. I married the love of my life, or so I thought, only to find out soon after our “I Do’s” that he suffered from mental illness. I spent over 11 years with this person who abused me mentally, emotionally, and physically. He systematically broke me down until I found myself wondering if I would even survive. Well, a long story short, I survived. I am now a single mother of two and we are a miracle. I had no one to help me navigate the murky waters I found myself swimming in, and it was incredibly isolating. I felt liberated when I chose to refer to myself as “survivor” rather than “victim”, but I wanted so much more than to survive. I wanted to thrive. So, I started to write. I started to tell the all the parts of my story that I could in order to heal and in turn help other women to find the strength to move on too. There is power in words and in the bridges that they can build between people. I started writing to save my life and I continue to write to help save others.
How does my writing process work?
I don’t have a “process” and I like it this way. I have learned to go with the flow like the tides roll in and out from the sea. Something triggers me and in turn I see a lesson to be worked out within myself. I start writing to clarify my thoughts and so often they resonate with others. Writing enabled me to help others in some very dire situations. I believe that words can heal; they have great power to connect us in a powerful way. I shall continue to write as it is the best form of therapy I know. We gain wisdom through our struggles and the only way I can make sense of many of them is by helping others with what I have learned. There is a great freedom in this.
Please visit me on Facebook www.facebook.com/rebelthrivers and on Twitter www.twitter.com/rebelthriver
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And now, my talented Blog mates:
Somewhere around the age of 3, Patricia Saxton picked up a pencil and never quite put it down. A multi-disciplined artist, Patricia is an award-winning graphic designer, illustrator, writer, and fine artist. Creative Director of design firm Saxton Studio, she’s also the author/illustrator of 2 best-selling children’s books, A Book of Fairies and The Book of Mermaids, and the inspirational design book 52 Weeks of Peace. Her paintings have exhibited widely and hang in private collections throughout the U.S. On a personal note, as a 24/7 single Mom, Patricia has come to see much of her work as a real-time, real-life experiment in “doing what you love.” (p.s: it’s not always easy, but chocolate helps!) You can follow Patricia at any or all of these hot spots: Saxton Studio Blog, Saxton Studio Website, Facebook / Saxton Studio, Facebook /52 Weeks of Peace, Amazon and Twitter.
You can follow Patricia at any of these fine places: saxton studio blog link: https://saxtonstudio.wordpress.com saxton studio website link: http://saxtonstudio.com facebook https://www.facebook.com/patriciasaxton.saxtonstudio facebook: https://www.facebook.com/52weeksofpeace.peacestartshere Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Patricia-Saxton/e/B000N9T5E0 twitter; https://twitter.com/saxtonstudio
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Hi ! My name is Kristin Louise Granger… I’m an Australian mum, worker, volunteer, social media junky, friend, daughter; a curious child, a lover of life and a possibilitarian! Life has been a glorious mess of loving, failing, learning, succeeding, thriving, discovering, hiding, dancing, struggling and everything in between. I was born with a curious soul and a fascination with people and how they connect and relate. I have an interest in exploring the underlying barriers that get in the way of people living a full and happy life on their own terms, and spent the past 10 years exploring the notion of Gratitude as a tool to facilitate change. Oh…and did i mention that i write?! Always have, always will…. since i could scrawl my name i have been scratching around on paper making meaning out of life through words. And from a very young age ….whether it’s been at the supermarket counter, the line for the loo, or the park with my kids…I’ve had strangers tell me their stories. The stories that come forward are magnificent examples of how fraught and delightful it is to be human. I like that. I like that story telling can be a form of wayfaring…a breadcrumb if you will… a way of inviting others to enter their own Quest. And if there is one thing i have learned… its that life is one hell of an adventure! Tally ho!
You can connect with Kristin at her blog www.gratitudenall.com, on her amazing Facebook page www.facebook.com/gratitudenall, and on Google+ https://plus.google.com/u/0/b/109366191447486380270/+Gratitudenall/posts
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Summer Watson rediscovered her passion for writing after her marriage of more than 25 years started to fall apart. She has always been a writer, starting when she ran out of Winnie the Pooh books to read and had to write her own stories. She’s a proud mother of one son and calls herself a friend to many. Her writing style covers everything from trips and nights at the theatre to soul-searching and sharing life’s pain. You can find her balancing two blogs here on wordpress. You can also connect with her on Facebook which she fondly calls her second home. You can connect more with Summer at her blogs, www.sumwatsumwhere.wordpress.com and www.goodtimesandlaughter.wordpress.com
