by Ella | Dec 14, 2015 | ELLA |
The Christmas Holiday Season has arrived. This time of year can often be the WORST time for people in abusive relationships. I know this because it was that way for me. I wish I had the freedom to really tell you all the details of when and how I left, but I can’t. One day when I am safe I will spill.
The holidays can be so joyous for some and so dark for others.
I remember the last holiday that I was married to an abusive man. I was terrified because Christmas was looming closely ahead. Stress levels were running high and every where I turned I felt more trapped then ever. We all know how tough it can be when thrust amongst our family on certain days of the year. Imagine having to hide your brokenness when you are feeling completely isolated. My mother told me I deserved an academy award.
Isolation is one of the favorite tools of an abuser. They slowly and methodically separate you from your family and friends. Ultimately, you end up lying to all of them because how can you even begin to explain how your life has fallen apart. How you have fallen apart and have become a prisoner of sorts. That you have lost your freedom to be who you are meant to be. That you are losing your identity more and more every day. That it’s slipping and you can’t seem to tighten your grip.
Today my boyfriend’s sister had to be rescued from an abusive situation. I don’t even know all of the details yet, but what I do know is that her husband is an abuser. It got so bad that she took her child and split. Thank God she had an opportunity to get out and luckily for her she has two brothers who were able to go back with her to get her stuff. For those of you who do not know, this is the most dangerous time for victim’s of abuse. This is when the abuser feels they are losing control. Out of desperation they react and can do the worst imaginable things. I’ve been terrified all afternoon because I understand this better than anyone. I didn’t want him to go, but I knew he had to. They are on their way home and safe. Thank God.
I know that life can be hard, and at this time of year it can be almost impossible to hold on to even the tiniest spark of hope. I am here to beg those of you reading this that might be in the same situation to hang on.
Don’t give up because there is always a way out. Even when you feel like you are completely alone there is always help. I know that if there is NO reason to stay then that alone is a good reason to go. I also know that you have to leave if you are being abused. It will never get better…only worse. Sometimes you have to leave with the clothes on your back. Know that there are shelters and people to help you. You deserve to be happy, safe and loved. I KNOW how scary and hard it is to leave, but I also know how beautiful and free life can be once you do.
Be brave. Find your voice and speak up. Please know that there is no shame in this for you. There are so many people in this world (both men and women) that have experienced abuse at the hand of someone they loved. You have to trust and take that step to get out. There is never a good time. I kept waiting for a “better time” and it never came. I ended up leaving at the worst possible time, but in retrospect it was the perfect time. It was the perfect time because I got out alive.
If you know anyone that is in an abusive relationship please share my blog with them. It’s hard to talk to people who haven’t been through this because so often your reality starts to get muddled. If you can let them know that they are loved and worthy of that love, and that there is always a way out. Don’t you dare give up. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ever.
xo Ella
by Ella | Jul 14, 2015 | ELLA |
It’s so true isn’t it? In our world today we are constantly being dumbed down and the reason is very simple. We will buy more shit if we think it will make us feel better. So, we end up accumulating a lot of stuff that we don’t actually need. This is what our society is based on…we are a consumer society, period. I was raised in a home where retail therapy was a way of life so my skills were well honed as I grew up and started to spend my hard-earned money on trying to find a better me.
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m upset ….”
“I know what will help you feel better, let’s go shopping.”
This is how I learned to deal with my feelings of inadequacy and imperfection. I was taught that a new outfit or a pair of shoes was just what the doctor ordered. It was how I dealt with my pain. In fact, my entire career ended up encircling our massive consumer market. I not only was the consumer, but the supplier. I was hooked.
It’s sadly understandable. Our media has a constant loop of over hyped “stories” on twenty-four hours a day. Magazines and T.V. commercials are packed with edited photos of imperfect women appearing to be perfect. If they look that good then we perhaps we will think that what they are selling must really work, right? God help us, for even when we are smart enough to know better we can still get sucked in.
I happen to be a product junkie. I love beauty products and I am always looking for the best eye cream, lip gloss, hair volumizer, concealer, etc., etc., etc., I would like to say that I have no idea how it happened, but it’s all there right in front of me. I bought into the hype and for years I have tried in vain to make my long fine hair thicker, my skin more radiant, my nails stronger, my lips fuller….and the list goes on and on…
Keep in mind that I approach my life from a holistic viewpoint. I really do believe that you get out what you put in. You are what you eat. Exercise, sleep, organic food, and meditation are all cornerstones to feeling the best you can.
So, I question myself as to why I continue to buy into the hype of the marketing giants all around us pushing their goods on us like legal drug dealers. Is it that we are holding out hope for a quick fix or have we just become addicted to “the buy”?
It’s a pretty vicious circle you know. We buy to feel better and then when it doesn’t fill our needs we feel upset that we spent money that we didn’t have on something that we really knew deep down wouldn’t fit the bill. Why do we do that? It’s all learned behavior my friends. Most of us have bought the ticket and drank the cool-aid that has been served up to us. We have fallen for it hook, line, and sinker.
Now this is not something that I am just discovering about myself. It is firmly rooted in me and I am constantly waging war against it. I KNOW that natural remedies are the way to go. They may not come in slick packaging (I think that is what really does me in. I am a sucker for a pretty package) but they are cheap, readily at hand, and they work! One of my favorite’s is to mix a little baking soda in with my facial wash for a gentle exfoliate for my face. There are so many good ones that you can actually buy books about them…imagine that?!
Ultimately, we are just being distracted by believing that we need to buy stuff to feel better about ourselves. I admit that I am working really hard to fight this in my life. It took me years to find my freedom and my voice in this world and I have decided that I am not going to hand over any of it over to companies who are trying to wholesale me self-worth. I am rebelling against the powers that be. I am standing tall and laying claim on myself.
I am beautiful without having to spend a ton of money on designer products. I don’t need the newest facial scrub when I have a kitchen bursting with organic goods. We can do so much for ourselves without having to buy into the lie that we are being told. It’s so very true that in this world today, creating self-doubt in the consumers equals profit. Why do we want to continue to support these false ideas of beauty and wholeness. It’s simply false.
In a society where self-doubt is profited from, liking yourself for who you are is an act of REBELLION. I think it’s time for all of us to stand up to the brainwashing and simply accept ourselves. All of us, that includes our assets and flaws. How empowering it is to take back control and a nice wad of cash from people who only want to see you consume more of their lack luster products?
xo Ella
by Ella | Jul 2, 2015 | Guest Bloggers |
As a survivor of child sexual abuse and adult domestic violence I constantly stand on the precipice of wanting to seek out fellow survivors for solidarity and support and needing to protect the wounds that remain from those experiences. I work in front line child protection and see the evil that exists in the world on a daily basis.
This is both wounding and healing.
How can it be both is a question which I have asked myself more than once. The wounding is obvious in its nature. Hearing the stories of experiences of children and their families touches on my wounds which, while no longer raw, are tender. The healing comes from knowing that I am an unseen survivor, that my trajectory didn’t follow the path that may make other survivors more obvious in their pain and I see so many others who break the mold set by society about what a survivor looks like.
I have discovered a passion for justice for these children and young people that eclipses justice in terms of the law and encompasses a sense of justice that results from the capacity of a society, to not limit their future lives to the expectations that are set by how we view victims of abuse. To set no bounds to their achievements and to provide them all with opportunities to become so much more than what we are lead to believe.
I am an advocate for changing how we view survivors and how we allow those other, richer experiences to come forth for a more balanced and holistic view of the person in a whole of life context and not through the veil of abuse. This frees people, like myself, who search for answers and a sense of self after an annihilation of the psyche which left me floundering in a sea of self doubt around “how do I become a survivor?”
So, I searched for a cause or a way to integrate my experiences into my life. To find those pieces of myself that I kept apart from the moments of abuse. I say moments because quite literally they were only moments, in a life which contained so much more of me without those abuse experiences. This is where I needed to begin my search, to look at those moments that were not imposed on me by others, which I can take complete ownership of and say “this is me”. The me that rejects acts of evil and exclusion and stands for love, stands for kindness, stands for acceptance and inclusion and that stands for strength, survivorship and healing.
I advocate through both thought, deep seated beliefs and action. I advocate through not accepting the perpetuating of victims trajectories which does not allow room for movements of the self from victim to survivor to thriver. I have my days, like any other, when the world and its focus on news worthy sensationalist topics of pain and suffering eclipses the stories of survival, and it affects me and I withdraw to wrap my internal wounds in a blanket of solitude. But I emerge again to rejoin the people who stand, who focus on strength, goodness and inclusion and who often work in silence to create healing pockets of a world in which I like to rest for a time.
I will forever remain an advocate for others, survivors of abuse, survivors of tragedies, survivors of any experience which leaves them searching for something to anchor themselves to a spot where they are safe from the storm. A harbor of support where they can find their direction. It will always be a tough journey for me given my wounds and experiences and the world I choose to work and offer my knowledge in, but given that I also contain a rich internal tapestry of alternate experiences which allow me to maintain hope and a sense of purpose, I will remain optimistic of the future. I know that I will continue to be more than those experiences that I endured and I will offer myself as a resource to others who also seek to find their own inner strength, light and purpose. I am not blind to the world and all its difficulties, I know that while I experienced abuse I have not experienced other forms of hardship and that I have had opportunities that others have not had.
My story is not unique, it is a single story that reflects my personal journey but all survivors have similarities in their stories and I choose to focus on their alternate stories, the survivor story, the triumph over tragedy story and I choose to seek out others who have walked this path before me, hand in hand with those who now walk beside me and to lead the way for those who will follow.
By Tia Jane
by Ella | Jun 18, 2015 | ELLA |
Who Knew
You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you’d be around
Uh huh
That’s right
I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me
Yeah huh
That’s rightIf someone said three years from now
You’d be long gone
I’d stand up and punch them out
Cause they’re all wrong
I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew
Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no
No no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I’d give anything
When someone said count your blessings now
‘fore they’re long gone
I guess I just didn’t know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
And ever
Who knew
Yeah yeah
I’ll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we
Until we meet again
And I won’t forget you my friend
What happened
My darling
My darling
Who knew
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew
Who knew
– Lukasz Gottwald, Alecia Moore, Max Martin
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NJWIbIe0N90&w=560&h=315]
*Those who know me know who this is for *
by Ella | Jun 16, 2015 | ELLA |
Why is that we contradict ourselves over and over again? We know better. We’ve already determined that life is a full on roller coaster ride with its ups and downs. We’ve learned from our mistakes and we know that fire burns if you put your hand to it. We are seasoned and yet we continue to try to control the outcome of our lives. I tell you it’s is as pointless as trying to catch the fading sunset in your hand.
Man plans and God laughs. – Yiddish Proverb
If I were a superhero I might just be Anxiety Girl because I can shoulder an incredible weight of it every single day. What I deal with daily might just cause another to keel over. Although I am getting better at juggling and quelling it, it doesn’t mean that the anxiety is lessening. I am getting better at backing away from it so that I don’t add more to the pile. My anxiety is a result of extended intense stress I lived with for over 15 years. It’s PTSD, adrenal fatigue, and generalized anxiety all rolled up into one big massive package that has a tag marked “f*ck you” on it.
I understand that my brain chemistry has been altered. I have tried just about every combination of medicinal cocktails prescribed and self prescribed. I try to meditate. Well, I do it the best way I know how which is walking on the beach. I walk and walk until my thoughts just fall into a linear projection of all that I am. I stop trying to figure things out and I just fall into pace with the crashing of the waves. Picturing me in a mediation class or on a retreat makes me start to itch and laugh a little. Let’s face it we all can’t be the same, and meditation is one of those things that must be tailored to the individual. Don’t get me wrong because I believe in its benefits, I really do. For people like me though trying to control my thoughts by not controlling them is just another word for PANIC!
Calm your mind and catch your aggressive thoughts then cast them out into the ether. You are not required to carve them all in stone and own them all. In fact, your attempts to try to nullify them will only create a bigger issue. That is why I turn to my practice of Catch & Release. As you feel yourself adding more and more crap to your pile of things that you need to do, people you need to respond to, calls you need to make, household chores, work, relationships, etc., etc., etc., STOP yourself in your tracks. Breathe in and out a few deep times and be present in knowing that you caught the ball before it got thrown into play. This is where discipline comes in handy. I like to give myself a gentle talking to about not overdoing it. I remind myself that none of these things are an emergency and I try to prioritize. (Sometimes I have to lay down in a dark room for a few minutes to reset even). Never underestimate the power of a list or a nap…they really help!
In the end we are all constantly adapting to our surroundings. Only we know what is best for ourselves so boundaries are a brilliant idea. Just KNOW that you do not have to be tied to all of the baggage that you are carrying around, but you might have to work pretty damned hard to unload it. It’s worth it…don’t you think that the freedom that comes from a job well done is priceless?! Keep working at catching the negative shit and releasing it before you allow it to permeate your life.
You deserve so much better than that.
Buckle up and grab the wheel for it is up to you to figure out the best way to deal with your shortcomings. We all have them and I am sure there are plenty around that have the same ones as you. Seek them out for they are the wise ones who can give you other ideas for dealing with the same crap you have to carry. They are also a great source of inspiration for how you want to live your life. Catch the good and release the crap…it’s not brain surgery…it’s discipline.
xo Ella
