So this is where we get real and I let you peer into the once gaping hole that was recently left in me. To write about Roger is like trying to remember a dream as it fades. He left my life as quickly as he entered it; and it remains a sensitive spot.
“One day you will ask me which is more important? My life or yours? I will say mine and you will walk away not knowing that you are my life.” ― Kahlil Gibran
A couple of years back I needed a photographer to come and take some photos of a project I was working on. I was referred to this guy named Roger; I was told he was really good and wouldn’t charge me too much. From our first email we clicked. It took about 2 weeks before we actually met…when he first walked in the door I realized that I hadn’t heard his voice yet (thanks to email and texting). I really didn’t know what to expect. I knew I wasn’t looking for love. Love had turned my life upside down before. I just wanted pictures taken and maybe a new friend.
“One day you will ask me which is more important? My life or yours? I will say mine and you will walk away not knowing that you are my life.” ― Kahlil Gibran
I soon found out that he was the most awesome person I had ever met. He was super smart, philosophical, spiritual, a teacher, he read Neruda & Rumi; an artist of film and photo’s, and a poet too. To top it all off he had a non-profit to benefit children in poor villages in the Caribbean. He surfed, skateboarded, loved hiking, biking, and shot pictures all the time. He still had his childlike sense of wonder intact and he inspired me. It took about 2 weeks before I fell head over heels in love with this person. I knew from the minute we met that we would be life long friends, but I never imagined this. I can even remember the exact moment. It was June and I was standing barefoot at the sink doing dishes. The kids were in the kitchen laughing and the afternoon sun was shining through the curtains. We were talking on the phone and he said, “I just want to touch your hair. I just want to hold you.”
“One day you will ask me which is more important? My life or yours? I will say mine and you will walk away not knowing that you are my life.” ― Kahlil Gibran
Like quickly turned to love and we were inseparable. He was older than me and I loved that he was more experienced. Life had come at him hard and he had weathered it with his gentle soul intact. Looking at life through the eyes of a photographer will shift your perspective forever. Roger did just that for me. He found me, the needle in the haystack, and he loved me honestly and completely. His sensitivity was too much for him and he fell off the wagon about a year after we had met. He convinced himself that he would be okay. Within weeks drugs consumed him and he was but a shell of his former self. He said that I left him, but it was I who was left behind. He chose the drugs or the drugs chose him…it doesn’t matter how you look at it. It was only 6 months later that he was gone. His mother gave me a letter that he had written for me a week before his death. Among many things, he said that he was sorry, and that I was his one true love. He knew he could go through life knowing that he had ben genuinely loved. That is the truth…I loved him. I still feel numb, and writing about him is like writing through the mist.
After being in an abusive marriage I couldn’t take that situation on. Lesson learned the first time around I can happily say. Drugs are not something I care to mess with and the only relationship an addict can have is with his drugs. He took my stance as a choice to leave him behind. My life was falling apart, we had to move 3 times in 2 months, and I was just lost without him. Then one sunny day the kids and I found an amazing little cottage by the sea and moved in. I cried for the entire first month because I missed him so much. I didn’t know anyone and I was scared, heartbroken, and alone. I felt like no one would ever understand, but then I met my neighbors. They welcomed us like family and we started to settle right in. Slowly, life starts to pick up where you leave off; just like the ocean where the waves keep rolling in.
“One day you will ask me which is more important? My life or yours? I will say mine and you will walk away not knowing that you are my life.” ― Kahlil Gibran
I now realize that we are put here to love and be loved. When I got divorced I felt that I had lost my chance at true love. I didn’t believe I was worthy or even capable of loving again. I declared a ban on relationships, marriage, and love. Then I met Liam and he showed me without even trying how easy it is to love again. The great circle of life continues and I find myself still loving. I realized that in this world there are so many amazing people and we are capable of loving all of them in some way. We are certainly capable of being in love more than once. Every person is a whole universe within themselves. Learning how to trust again after you have been so hurt is not easy. Being vulnerable is not easy. What I have found is that if you open your heart, love will find you. It is your job to cultivate it. I miss Roger everyday and I feel him hanging out with me sometimes…usually laughing. I can now smile, and miss him at the same time.
Life goes on and we can choose to be bitter or to trust again. I happen to love being in love. Sometime when I am feeling insecure I hear that little voice in my head telling me that I am not worthy, but I am learning to quickly duck tape her mouth. I am surfing again and the conditions are looking fabulous! xo Ella