Turning the Page.

by Ella | Sep 25, 2012 | ELLA | 8 comments

And finally I twist my heart round again, so that the bad is on the outside and the good is on the inside, and keep on trying to find a way of becoming what I would so like to be, and could be, if there weren’t any other people living in the world. – Anne Frank

It would seem that as soon as I think I understand, I quickly learn that I don’t.  I am trying though.  Trust me I am giving it my all.  Life has thrown me some serious fast, curve, and foul balls and I keep swinging.  My inner coach is starting to be able to spot them as they come now and I am learning how to play the game.  At least I would like to think that I am and that all of this hasn’t been in vain.

I sit here and reflect over the last few years; my life deserves a special on the Lifetime Channel.  I laugh to myself at the thought because those movies are always so overly dramatic.  I think of my life as more of a Traumady.  I keep laughing even through the drama and the tears. Laughter has saved me, and while it has sometimes come at the most inappropriate of moments it has kept me alive and kept me going.

I simply can’t build my hopes on a foundation of confusion, misery and death… I think… peace and tranquillity will return again. – Anne Frank

I keep moving forward and I keep growing through the pain.  I really do BELIEVE that when I turn the page this time tranquility will return.  I am hoping for at least a little peace.  It’s hard to start over, and I feel like the last few years have been nothing but do overs.  I want something to stick.  I want someone to BELIEVE in me enough to stay the course and see the possibilities.  That’s the hardest part about being divorced…all my dreams seemed to vanish with it.  The collateral damage included my career and that’s the hardest part for me.  I want new dreams, but I am scared to trust only to find myself in the quicksand again.  Yet, I still somehow believe that it will all work out for me and my little tribe of beach gypsies.  I guess that is what you would call faith. 

I don’t think of all the misery but of the beauty that still remains. – Anne Frank

I’m a dreamer and I BELIEVE in love.  I want to share my life with someone and I want more than anything to give my sons a father for once.  The one they were given had a factory defect and he just couldn’t learn to walk.  In spite of it all, we are a happy tribe and we have an unusually close bond that most families don’t have because of what we survive together.  If only I could tell you the details of my complex life then you might understand why it’s so hard to keep up.  I will rise though like the Phoenix from the ashes and I will SOAR again.  I just don’t know when and that is the hard part. Patience in the process.  I want to take flight now, but I have two little birds in my nest and take off isn’t as easy as you might think when you are trying to balance it all.
How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world. – Anne Frank

I keep working on myself and being the best mother that I know how.  In the end it comes down to LOVE really.  Beyond that I am simply me and that means I am perfectly imperfect.  I cannot do it all and I will make mistakes, but my heart is in the right place and I yearn to help everyone.  I am an empath and I feel everyone’s pain all to well.  If only I could help myself as well as I do others.  It’s much easier to give advice then it is to listen to your own.  Alas, that is just a part of life.  We learn as we go.

Whoever is happy will make others happy too. – Anne Frank

I would like to BELIEVE that it is as easy as this.  The truth is that it isn’t.  I was sucker punched recently and I staggered, but I caught myself before I fell.  I stepped back from life and became quiet. I saw the ripple effect of my solitude on the others in my life.  It was a stark difference from how it usually is.  I caught myself though and that is the important thing here.  My heart cannot be broken again.  Twice is more than any heart can take in a lifetime I think.  The sorrow is deep and the confusion has blinded me, yet still I will rise like the Phoenix.

It’s really a wonder that I haven’t dropped all my ideals, because they seem so absurd and impossible to carry out. Yet I keep them, because in spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart. – Anne Frank

I’m moving forward with baby steps.  I have no idea where I am going, but I have to keep moving.  I want to believe that people really are good at heart and that their intentions are pure, but I sometimes have my doubts.  Life has taught me this so far.  The final page in this chapter is ending and the new chapter is looming in the near future, but it has no title yet.  Perhaps I should do that?  Give it a title and live into it or shall I just live it and name it after? That’s the tricky part isn’t it.  If I title it first then I automatically put expectations on how it should end up and we all know what happens when we put expectations on life.

I must uphold my ideals, for perhaps the time will come when I shall be able to carry them out. – Anne Frank

In the final analysis I have no other choice but to live the questions now as Rilke so poetically put it.  To live one day into the answer.  If only it were that easy…as I am not the most patient person when it comes to myself.  I’ve gotten so much better at it, but I still have a way to go.  That’s the problem with being a dreamer.  We aren’t the most practical of people and we so often trust to soon, and envision an outcome that might just never come to pass.  That’s just a recipe for disappointment.  The key is to seize the day and live in the moment.

Whoever is happy will make others happy too. – Anne Frank

I will put away fear, ego, and self loathing.  I will move forward one step at a time knowing that I am worthy of love.  I am worthy of a commitment that can last a lifetime.  I am worthy of all my dreams coming true.  I just have to BELIEVE this and rest up for dreams don’t always come easy.  All the good things in life are worth a little blood, sweat, and tears.  This I know from experience.

The final forming of a person’s character lies in their own hands. – Anne Frank

It’s up to me an no one else.  My children depend on me and I depend on me.  The trials I have faced, the heart-break I have endured, have all played a part in who I am and my character.  I take pride in knowing that I am really good at heart.  I am decent and honest, trustworthy, and loyal to a fault.  All I can to is keep moving forward one step at a time.  Slowly, turn the page and finish this chapter so I can move on to the next one.  God knows, I am doing the best I can and that’s all I can do in the end.  I push hard and will sleep well tonight knowing that a new chapter is about to begin and I am ready.  I am so ready to learn to walk again.  I believe I’ve waited long enough.

Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy. – Anne Frank

 

Shining a Light on Darkness.

by Ella | Aug 28, 2012 | ELLA | 16 comments

How do you shine a light on darkness?  This came up tonight in a discussion on the Rebel Thriver Facebook page.  I am not a bold in your face kinda gal.  I am a strong, fiercely independent, but for the most part reserved type.  I would rather laugh than scream and I don’t carry a big stick.  I have actually been referred to as Mary Poppins, which gives me a giggle.  Don’t get me wrong; I can be bold when I need to be and life has taught me how to fight back.  We all have our own style though and mine is to inspire and lead through positivity.

Tonight I hedged quite a while on posting a particular poster about Domestic Violence. It has a gripping visual that sucker punched me at first sight.  I wanted to share, but it felt out of my comfort zone.  I waited a couple of hours and decided to be COURAGEOUS and post it.  You see when I saw this picture I saw myself.  This could have been a picture of me, right down to the wedding dress.  The abuse started on my honeymoon and lasted for 11 years.

The responses to this poster varied on the page.  Some people identified and were thankful, while others voiced anger at what has happened to them or their loved ones.  I continue to receive comments as I write this, both privately and on the Rebel Thriver page.  It’s a mixed bag of emotions and I really do understand that.

Today the word of the day for the Rebel Thriver tribe is HOPE.  I posted this picture because I have HOPE.  In my darkest of moments that spark never went out.  I KNEW I had to keep HOPE alive for my children, and for me.  It is that tiny spark that started to grow and has led me on the journey here to you.

I started Rebel Thriver because I did survived this ugly secret that no one wants to talk about.  It’s a humiliating and painful truth to be honest.  I felt tainted for so long.  I was told over and over that I was nothing, and no one would ever love me.  I started to believe that after a while, but then the HOPE that I stored so very deep inside me, saved me.  Hope propelled me to walk out one night with the clothes on my back and my 2 small children in my arms.  I left with nothing and I was terrified beyond anything that I could possibly express in human words.

The thing is that I survived.  When I got away I felt nothing but an incredible relief and overwhelming gratitude.  I knew from that moment on that I would NEVER take any thing for granted.  Everyday, every friend, and everything in my life is a blessing.  Even the hard lessons, because through them I learn and I grow stronger.

It took me years, but I am so happy to be able to say that I am finally free.  I forgave my ex husband for what he did to me and what he took away from me.  He shattered my dreams and laid waste to my life, but I learned that through forgiveness I could be free.  Freedom is something I feel within.  Arguably, many would say that my daily reality has been altered so much in trying to remain safe that I am not truly free.  I have been pushed into a life where it is very hard to be myself for fear of my family being found and hurt.  It is for this reason that I live a shadow life.  I move among many, and they know my name, but not my story.

Forgiveness has been a HUGE step for me.  This hasn’t changed any external factors.  My ex is still off the page and the career I loved is gone, but I decided that I was NOT going to let that hold me back.  I started Rebel Thriver to shine that light on the darkness.  To lead by example and show others that no matter what life my have visited upon you there is always HOPE for a happy ending, even when we feel so very tired.

I posted this tonight because I feel that it is my duty as the leader of this amazing tribe to speak my truth, even if my voice shakes.  It is the path I walk now and I feel that I sometimes need to show the ugly in order to get to the beautiful.  Anger is not my way and does not live within me.  I lived with an angry person for so many years, so why would I ever want to address any of you with something that would elicit an angry response within you?  I have learned that anger is not the way for me.  I can express myself and speak my truth without the hate and the negativity that this particular poster evokes in so many.  I am sorry if I triggered anyone with this poster, but my HOPE was to shine the light on the darkness.  You see I was that bride once.  I had the fairytale wedding and handsome husband; along with all the smoke and mirrors it took to keep that facade up for 11 years.

If you are living in an abusive relationship I want you to hold onto HOPE.  Don’t you DARE give up!  There is a light at the end of the tunnel and I am here to tell you this because I see it.  I am living it.  I’m still scared everyday…i have to recreate my life and raise two kids on my own.  It’s downright scary, but I keep moving forward because…I made a decision to THRIVE.  I decided that no matter what, I would rise up and overcome what had happened to me.  So my friends I want you to all know that you are loved; and that anger and hate will not solve any of your problems.  Love and forgiveness is the way to peace, and when you can truly open yourself up to receiving these gifts then you will also grow in wisdom and grace.  Then you can walk your path and shine light on the darkness so others will know that HOPE springs eternal and has the ability to change your life…even the darkest of nights.

Ella xo

It’s Never to Late to Write a Happy Ending.

by Ella | Aug 21, 2012 | ELLA | 14 comments

As a little girl I had BIG dreams for my life.  The truth is that my life has turned out nothing like I thought it would back when I was a kid.  Everything is different from what I imagined it would be.  I had expectations even then.  One thing I have learned on this journey is that if you have expectations you end up disappointed.  Dreams are important but you need a nice dose of reality to keep them balanced.

I have walked a rough road for much of my adult life. There have been good years, bad years, and years I thought I would never live to see the end of.  However I still rise.  I am here and I have chosen to THRIVE.  We all deserve to live happy in the end.

It has taken me many years to arrive at this point. When I look back at my youth I remember happy sunny days growing up in a house filled with brothers and sisters.  I guess things took a rapid turn for me when I was in grade school.  My Catholic parents decided to get involved with a religious organization that really shook my world to the core.  It engulfed our lives and left me feeling isolated and unheard.

My parents were children of the 50’s. I romanticized the pictures of them from highschool in my head.  My mother in her strapless puffy dresses and red lipstick…cheerleader, King & Queen of the Senior Ball; they were nothing but smoke and mirrors for me a child of the 80’s.  By the time I reached high school any chance of me having a life like my parents did was shattered.  There would be no school of my choice, no make up, no dating.  I felt cheated and ultimately isolated.  In retrospect, I know my parents made decisions not to hurt me, but to keep me safe.  It’s ironic, but when you grip something too tightly you run the risk of suffocating it.

Good News…I survived adolescence with a healthy dose of rebellion and multi-colored hair.  Punk rock was the background music to my daily life and it fueled me on.  I thank God for that healthy anger that screamed out, “No matter what you say, It cannot be a sin to feel the way I feel.”  I still feel the same today after all these years…minus the multi-colored hair.

You have to be very careful as you journey through your life.  Sometimes the things or people who you feel comfortable with are exactly the people and situations you should run from.  For me that was the mistake I made with my husband.  His control felt comfortable to me at first.  It was familiar like a worn in pair of shoes.  I thought it showed that he really cared deeply.  I couldn’t see it for what it was until it was too late.  Eleven years and two kids later I didn’t know if I would get out alive.  I was caught up in my smoke and mirrors this time.  I hid the reality from everyone; my family, friends, and co-workers.  My mother told me after I got away that I deserved an Academy Award for my performances all those years as the happy wife.  She is probably right, I do.

Here I am today living as a single mother with two kids in a life I never imagined for myself.  This was NOT how the script was supposed to play out.  Last night I said to my best friend, “How did my life end up like this?  It’s like the train just went off the tracks.”  Everything is different, yet I am still the same girl whose blue eyes are filled with dreams of what she wants to be when she grows up.  I know who I am now…that’s the silver lining here. All the trials and struggles have helped me to really do the work I needed to do, and delve deeper into myself.  I know my strengths and I know my weaknesses.  I am the captain of my ship.

Just where is the ship sailing? That is the question I ask myself.  The answer is that it is up to me to hoist the sails and set the course to find my True North.  The journey has begun and now I am choosing to change the direction of it.  I have taken the wheel and I am in control…even though half of the time I feel like I’m not. I feel like I am about to careen into the rocks and slip under into the deep, dark, and ice-cold ocean waters; but I know that this is just insecurity lingering from when the bottom dropped out before.

I am a writer, and in being one I have decided that I get to write the ending to my life story.  I still have a way to go on this journey, and I hold the pen.  I can craft my life into the one that I want.  I can go into the candy store and hand-pick my dreams.  They only thing preventing them from coming true is me.  This is a very powerful thing to acknowledge and accept.  It is both liberating and terrifying at the same time. This is where I am….on the edge with my wings spread preparing to jump and hoping that these magnificent wings work on the free fall down.

I am a survivor and I have chosen to rise in spite of the circumstances of my life.  I am not willing to settle for an unexamined life.  A life that is not in par with my dreams.  As an adult I can dream with a tempered mind….all I dream I can manifest if I BELIEVE and do the work.

You must always remember that you are NOT your past.  You may have lived through hell and walked through fire, but you are NOT what happened to you.  You are what you chose to be…you can write yourself a happy ending to the story of your life.  I’ve started writing my happy ending, but I am still waiting to get to the good part.   xo Ella

If the sky falls…hold up your hands.

by Ella | Aug 17, 2012 | ELLA | 29 comments

I’m tired.  If you knew how much courage it takes for me to admit this you might be surprised.  I am really tired.  Trust me here….this isn’t a post for a pity party.  This is honestly my deep and true feelings.  It’s hard to explain, but for me being tired is being weak. I haven’t stopped since I started, not even to have a well deserved breakdown.

My wings have grown and they are beautiful, but I am too tired today to use them.  Year after year I remain strong for my kids, my family, and myself.  These years have worn me down and today I am really feeling it.

This year I started Rebel Thriver because my best friend had gotten so tired he gave up. I don’t think he consciously meant to die on me and the kids, but he was just too tired to go on.  Life had beaten him up and he didn’t have the strength to continue on so he left me behind.  I miss him.  Everyday.  My children miss him.  I know that missing him won’t bring him back, but my heart aches nevertheless.

I started Rebel Thriver in an attempt to fill the space in my soul that he left.  In order to try to make sense of his death I needed to reach out to other people who might be feeling tired like he was.  We called our family the “tribe”.  When I started Rebel Thriver I decided that I would just grow the “tribe”; I am not surprised at the ease in which this has happened.  The tribe is growing and will continue to grow because we all need to feel loved and belong somewhere.  

My path couldn’t have taken me farther from where I started.  On my journey I have followed the curves of the road and held on tightly over all of the bumps and dips. I have found a place where I fit in and I feel loved.  Besides being a mother, and protecting my children, I feel as though I have found my purpose.  Although it came as a result of my friend’s death, I celebrate him with every post and with every workshop we run. He was a storyteller; a photographer and a movie maker.  He believed that in helping people tell their stories healing would begin for both the story-teller and the listener.  In deciding to keep his dream alive I started this blog to tell my story.  My hope is to help other people who have been knocked around by life; to help them grow their wings and to keep pushing forward.

We cannot take on life alone.  We need a human family.  Sometimes our birth families as amazing as they might be cannot relate to the things that we have lived through.  The truth is too hard to hear. Thus is my case.  I feel like a stranger amongst them at times.  We get together and I feel like I am on the outside peering in.  I have lived through so much and I have kept so much to myself.  The secrets that I keep I do not speak out loud for there is no purpose in that, but they are there and they flash back to me in my memories when I am feeling weak and tired.

I was married for 11 years and I never thought I would get divorced. I loved my husband.  I think I loved him too much though, and in doing so I lost the love that I had for myself.  In trying to help him, I got hurt.  The man I met and loved so much slipped through my fingers and crushed my dreams.  Oddly enough I miss him sometimes.  I don’t miss the anger, the intimidation, the threats, the lies, the bruises, and the psychological mind games, but I miss the laughter and the companionship that we had when he was feeling his better self.  I miss the vision that I had for our future together.  The moon eclipsed the sun so quickly and the darkness fell into the darkest of nights.  I didn’t think I would make it out alive, but I did.

I have survivors guilt.  I feel guilty that I left him ill and alone.  I feel guilty that I didn’t leave him sooner.  I feel guilty that my children were exposed to his insanity.  I feel guilty that I burdened my family.  I feel guilty that I made bad choices.  I feel guilty that the next man I truly loved died.  I feel guilty that I feel guilty.  This guilt doesn’t weigh me down, but it is there and it prevents me from feeling human at times.  What I mean by this is that I don’t allow myself to feel it for it doesn’t serve me to do so.  So I carry this guilt around quietly because I don’t want to be a burden to anyone else. I just keep pushing through.

I have been tying for years to find myself again in the midst of the chaos of being a single parent living on the run.  I am exhausted and I just want someone to hold my hand and walk with me.  I am scared of being left again.  I am afraid of extending my hand for fear that I will be left standing alone again, but I am tired and it is my hearts desire to share my life with someone.  Somehow in spite of it all I still BELIEVE.

I wanted my children to have a perfect childhood.  They haven’t.  They are loved beyond measure though, and they know it.  Unconditional love is what I can give them.  I can’t conjure up for them the father they so desperately want… and I feel guilty about that too.  I will continue to protected them from evils of this world and I will guide them through this maze of life.  I see the light ahead of me and I just keep following it. I trust it.

This light is my beacon…my lighthouse on the banks of the tumultuous seas.  It is my desire to connect to others and help them to find this light.  To help even one person get through some of the despair that I have felt is what keeps me going.  Yes, even I get tired sometimes and I have to stop and take pause.  What gets me through these times is gratitude.  I am so incredibly grateful for everything in my life and I am even grateful for all that I have lost.  I am simply grateful to be alive to see my children grow and laugh.

Gratitude is my magic balm.  When I feel down and alone I write my gratitude list and it is long.  I don’t have much in the way of material things anymore, but I have hope.  I have true friendships and I believe that we can overcome the toughest of struggles together.  You won’t hear me say I’m tired very much, but tonight I am wearing it like a heavy cloak, and I am simply being open and honest.  We all get tired, and when I do, like today I reach out to my friends and try to help them to keep shining.  This simple interaction that is born out of love reminds me that my wings are big, strong, and beautiful.  I have made it through the darkness and I am surrounded by light even if I am tired.  We all get tired, and you know what?  That’s okay.  

Each night I say goodnight to the Rebel Thriver tribe and leave a little note for any of them that might be struggling; tired from the daily push and pull of life.  I tell them to hang on because tomorrow is a brand new day to start again. A clean slate. That’s the magic in life…if we are lucky we get to live to see another day.  We get another chance to try again, even if we are tired…even me.

xo Ella

Finding Balance.

by Ella | Jul 28, 2012 | ELLA | 4 comments

I am always running 10 steps ahead of myself.  I’m not hyper, but I am excitable.  I love the idea of yoga.  In my mind, balance goes hand in hand with yoga.  I have taken yoga classes and done my share of meditation; usually guided, otherwise the voices in my head take over and the next thing I know I am planning dinner or what to buy the kids for Christmas!

I am always striving for BALANCE.  It’s so hard for me to do being a type A personality.  I want to do it all now.  A fact that many people may not know is that survivors of abuse usually have what is perceived as control issues.  It looks like control to other people…it feels like FEAR to us though.  I lived in a marriage where there was no emotional stability.  Living like this caused me to try to control any semblance of stability and sanity.

It’s been years since I left my husband and I have not sat idly by.  I have worked very hard on myself.  I have worked hard with my children.  I have come very far from where I was, but I still struggle with balance.  I know that the result of my abusive marriage is PTSD.  I know that this causes certain people to think I am controlling when in fact it is quiet the opposite.  After living a life where the bottom dropped out there is a lot of residual and illogical fear left lingering.  I do my best to express myself and my concerns to those who are close to me in my life.  It is balance that I am striving for.

Today, I went to the ocean and decided to Stand Up Paddle Board (SUP) instead of regular long boarding.  This is something that I really want to be good at.  It’s fun and a great workout.  Paddling out on flat water is easy, but to take a huge and heavy board like this into the waves is an entirely different experience.  You need to be present or you risk getting hurt.

As I paddled out past the breakers I found that the ocean was working with me.  I felt the rhythm of the waves and I gave thanks for the good fortune of having a healthy body so that I had could be out there.  I was no longer afraid of the waves smashing me down as I learned how to fall and take the crushing waves in stride.  I didn’t care who was watching as I stood up on that board.  It was me and the sea, and it was amazing.

What I learned today was that BALANCE is not so hard after all.  We need to have our feet planted firmly on the ground, but we also need to stay loose and flexible to be able to absorb the waves in our life.  Bumps in the road some might say.  The more relaxed I was the better I surfed.  Finally, when It was time to head to shore I was super stoked to be able to ride that board in.  I was tired, happy, content, and balanced.  What normally would have scared me to death (these boards are HEAVY if they hit you), turned out to be the best ride ever!  I stood firmly and confidently and picked the right wave and just let it take me in to the shore.

What a blast life can be when we let go a little and trust ourselves to be able to manage the ups and downs of our daily lives.  It was so freeing to let go of my fear and find my balance in the crashing surf.  The ocean always teaches me…today she taught me balance…finally.

Learning to Work the Dimmer Switch.

by Ella | Jun 6, 2012 | ELLA | 5 comments

As an artist I am full of emotional ups and downs.  I have tried to quell them with different things over the years.  I have realized though that my feelings are not meant to be turned off or dulled down.  I feel because I am alive and I am fully human.

The thing I struggle with the most is that often times my feelings are not subtle.  They do not take into consideration my day and what I need to do.  Sometimes it’s like my emotions are like a light switch and they turn on and off just like that.  It’s exhausting really.  I ask them to just go away nicely, but they are stubborn.

Recognizing this about myself is the most important thing.  I know that we are meant to feel.  We are not always going to like how we feel, but the fact that we can is so important.  I am grateful for that.  There was a long time where I couldn’t feel anything.  I had been so hurt and abused that I turned it all off.  I was numb.  No tears, no connection to myself.

That was then.  Now I can cry with abandon…to the point where I wish I could just turn the tears off.  Tears flow like a river…they take their own course.  So it is with my feelings.  I now feel and sometimes the intensity of these feelings are overwhelming.  I feel like a deer in the headlights and I want to run.  Sometimes I do; I run and turn inwards.

A friend once said to me that when you feel something bad you need to sit with it just as you would a happy feeling.  Feelings are much like waves…you pick the ones you want to surf.  He was right about that.  I am learning day by day what it means to choose my thoughts; my thoughts are directly linked to my feelings.  Understanding all of this is harder than it sounds most of the time.

I am a tsunami of creative energy.  There are days when the feelings are of fear and anger and other days they are one sweet, happy, and blissful trip.  Then there are the stormy days where the feelings all collide like the churning sea during a tempest and I feel like I am going to drown.  The currents run deep and work on pulling me down.  I am exhausted, but I still rise.  I always come back…usually stronger for it.

I need to remember that when I am feeling my most unsteady and uncertain, when I fall down…I always get back up.  That’s life.  We deal with it one day at a time.  If we can live in the present then we are half way there.  I cannot change how my feelings roll in.  I can only learn to be a better observer and student of them.  I also can teach myself how to use the dimmer instead of the light switch so that the contrast isn’t so stark.  

Finally, I can accept who, and how I am, and roll with it knowing that at the end of the day I am okay.  I am always going to get back up no matter how hard it is and no matter how hard it hurts.  It helps to have balance and I am working on using my dimmer switch with every crashing wave.