by Ella | May 23, 2012 | ELLA |
“The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.” – M. Scott Peck
True story. Here I am going along thinking I’m doing great when BAM! My train derailed. It’s not the first time this has happened to me. However, this was the most poignant. After living with an abusive man with BPD (ever see the movie Fight Club?) I learned how to disassociate pretty well. Actually I think I aced the test. What exactly does that mean? I numbed everything out. I could bring up stuff in therapy, but it was almost like a story telling. I thought I was feelings, but it wasn’t until very recently that I realized I was numb. Much number than I ever imagined.
What happened? About a month ago I was confronted by an angry abusive landlord. I didn’t realize at the time what a ripple effect that one meeting would have on me. After being bullied for so long I chose situations that would avoid confrontation. I was scared to death of it. The one sunny April day I was bullied by this man verbally in front of my children and then he decided to give me some parenting advice. I think it was the latter that actually made me crack. All the rage I had been holding inside for years just came out and I felt it! I felt so much I didn’t know what to do with it. I was lost; within moments I fell into a spiral of emotions that I just couldn’t fathom.
Lacking the coping skills I started to cry…I couldn’t stop. When my youngest said, “Great. Dad the bully is gone and now we have to deal with him.” I just didn’t know what emotion to act on. No one could console me. My dear partner was besides himself feeling helpless, I am sure. It really took a toll on me…on all of us. I didn’t think I could sit with all the anger, pain, hurt, and frustration. I thought it would kill me.
For those of you that don’t know I run a private Rebel Thriver group for women. I am always telling them to speak up when they need support. My ego was in the way I am ashamed to say. How could I tell them I was falling to pieces when I was the group leader? It didn’t take long for me to realize that I had no choice. I needed support so I let it rip.
I cannot even begin to tell you what happened next. The Rebel Thriver tribe jumped right in. No judgements…nothing but pure love and support. The women who had been through this already helped me through. It took a few weeks which is why I haven’t posted a blog in a while. I am sincerely humbled by the love I received. I learned that I need to not just give of myself I need to learn how to receive. This is a tricky thing for someone who has been taken advantage of for so long. These women, my friends, my sisters, rallied around me and showed me how to receive. They helped me more than any therapist ever has. It has truly been a life changing experience for me. I feel awake. I feel. I mean I really feel, and i’m okay. I didn’t break. I experienced some severe growing pains, but I am still here to tell the tale.
I wanted to share this because I want you all to know that none of us are above hitting a wall. We all need support and when we feel strong it is our time to support others. This is a beginning for me. I know that I can sit with strong feelings and I won’t explode. I LOVE my women’s group and I love them for helping me see that I am worth so much more that anyone’s bullying. That my anger was justified and okay. That I can learn to handle my emotions.
So to all the fellow women Rebel Thriver’s out there…I say to you that you are worthy. You are loved and you are going to be okay as long as you are open, honest, and are willing to do the work. You make the world a better place and deserve so much more than you have received. I ask every woman to tell their story for the healing process. I never really thought about being able to edit the script. I realize now that you can re-write what you thought was going to be the ending. You are brave and beautiful. YOU GROW GIRLS! Never stop, never give up, never ever give up.
by Ella | Apr 28, 2012 | ELLA |
I am thankful that I can say that I have never lived through a tornado. I don’t know how people do. I’ve seen The Wizard of Oz enough to know that I don’t want to be swept up and taken away to a far away and unfamiliar place. That’s what can happen though both literally and figuratively in real life. You can lose yourself and everything else in a split second.
Sometimes it’s our lives that feel like a storm is tearing the shingles off the roof. We can feel the wind kicking up as we try to quickly put things in order to be prepared. Sometimes life comes at us hard and we get caught up with the flying debris. It’s scary as hell.
Our thoughts can do the same thing. They run rampant in our mind and are sometimes worse than anything tangible because they are so hard to control…just like nature. Our thoughts can be full of fury, confusion, and a big old mess.
Feeling like you are caught in the outer edges of the swirling tornado is a really horrible place to be. You are feeling out of control and there is debris and collateral damage everywhere. When you feel like this you need to seek the Vortex; the calm in the center of the storm.
Have you ever created a whirlpool? Everyone walks around the inside of the pool in the same motion. It starts slowly, but soon enough the current starts to whip up and take over. If you get a good one going you can just ride it around the pool, but watch out for the pool toys…they are right there with you. Did you know that if you make a break and walk into the center of the pool it is calm. Everything is circling you; your friends and the rest of the things in the pool circle around you. You are in the center though and it is calm.
In life you will experience this phenomenon more often than you might realize. Life’s circumstances influence our thoughts every minute of the day. When life or your thoughts feel like they are taking over and you are losing control and you are being swept up into the whirlpool, seek your center. If you realize this in the midst of the chaos then you can still make the choice to take a breath and move to the center. Close your eyes and take a deep breath and know that at that moment you are safe.
This takes some practice to become habit. I remember when I used to work in a big office and it would get chaotic and crazy when deadlines were looming. I would shut my office door and just find the center. It only takes a minute, but if you can learn to do this then you can see the debris and duck before it knocks you on your ass.
Remember that we sometimes have to lose ourselves to find ourselves. Sometimes we have to fall apart to build ourselves back up stronger. When this is happening don’t forget that the safe haven is within yourself. Find your center and take a deep breath and just let the chaos swirl about you. Don’t worry, it won’t disappear. You will still have a chance to try to get a handle on things and do damage control. For a minute though if you seek the center and give yourself a moment of calm you can face what’s out there in the chaotic swirl of life a little more grounded.
by Ella | Apr 21, 2012 | ELLA |
Do you know who you are? I mean do you really know. I thought I did pretty much. I have accepted my past and made the decision to move on with my life. I thought that would have given me some serious insight into who I really am. The truth is that really knowing yourself is a constant process and it is hard work.
Sometimes we look in the mirror and just take a passing glance at that person that is reflected back to us. We keep moving so we don’t have to really see her. I ask you, can you look in the mirror at yourself in quiet solitude and really say that you know yourself? Can you really say that you like what you see. Maybe the real question is…can you even see her?
We started a month-long daily workshop in my Rebel Thriver women’s group. The first week was on this very subject. Here I thought I was going to be helping other women and in the process I found out I was the one who really needed the help. I started out with a simple mantra and asked everyone to write it out and stick on their mirrors. I LOVE AND ACCEPT MYSELF. This was to be said 3x a day for the week. I had no idea how hard this was actually going to be. Stripped down of all make up in my bathroom I really looked at myself in that mirror that first day. The truth is that I couldn’t do it and I walked out.
This is the cool thing about being held accountable by your friends; your friends help you grow if you let them. They teach you and they help you to keep pushing to be a better version of yourself. How could I ask my friends to do this when I couldn’t myself? This was the moment it all crystalized for me. And I went back to that mirror and looked deep into my blue eyes and said that mantra 6x. Sounds simple? Go ahead and give it a try.
I LOVE AND ACCEPT YOU
What does that mean? To me it means that I see myself for who I am, where I have been, how my struggles have affected me both physically and emotionally, and I can say…I need to get some work done. I don’t mean Botox either!!! I mean the internal soul-searching kinda overwhelming stuff that we think about for a second and then shove back down. The stuff we don’t like to get into. It takes a BRAVE person to go deep and take a look.
YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME
I am not my past. My past is what happened to me. Along the way I picked up bad habits and horrible internal messages. I have the ability to walk into a room confidently and have everyone believe it. Deep down I was just faking it to make it. I didn’t want that anymore so I decided to change it. I started with my Mantra’s and doing the writing. People often think that it will take too much time and too much work to make a difference, so they just accept it and hate parts of themselves. My question is why settle?
I AM WORTHY OF MY LOVE
We devote so much time to helping others, work, household chores, raising our children, and social networking. The raw truth is that we need to take the time to look with in and take stock. I KNOW this because I just did this. What do you like about yourself? What don’t you like? Why? Write it down and think about it. A little work everyday can get you so far! I can honestly say that with the support of my friends I actually did the work. It was hard, but they did it right along side of me. Growth isn’t easy, but you are so worth the time and effort it takes to take a deeper look.
I AM RISING FROM THE ASHES
I have, and will always have work to do as i am always evolving. I can honestly say though that I can look myself square in the eye and not only say I LOVE and ACCEPT you, but I believe it. I am a strong, brave, and beautiful woman and I am blessed to have some of the most supportive friends in the world. If you are having a hard time looking at yourself in the mirror, ask a friend. Look at her and she will help you find your reflection.
* I would like to mention that this workshop is still going on. If there are any women who feel they might like to join in the fun please contact me in a message. *
by Ella | Apr 12, 2012 | ELLA |
When you stumble, make it a part of the dance.
If life has knocked you down a lot you might be really good at this already. Grace under fire. I am getting better with this as the years go by. No one likes to fall, especially when it’s in front of other people; and those people are usually the ones we consider the closest to us. Why then is it that we get so embarrassed when we stumble? Why do we take it so hard? Why does our PRIDE run for the hills?
What if we could all just catch ourselves when we feel that initial gravitational pull, and turn that fall into a dance? Imagine that scene; a world full of dancing! We all know the truth. We all fall. Sometimes we fall harder than others, and the truth is no one likes it. I haven’t met one person yet on my journey that can say they like to fall. Not only does it take time to get up and on our way again, but it really hurts sometimes! Falling or stumbling is not what any of us plan for when we start out on our day, but it happens.
The trick is…to turn that stumble into a dance. Don’t miss a beat, just keep on going. Rest safe and secure in the FACT that everyone stumbles. Some stumbles turn into hard falls. They are a little harder to choreograph, but it can be done. Sometimes you just need to sit in the ditch on the ground for a little while. Life can be tiring and sometimes we all need a little break. My advice to you is to get up as quickly as you can. The longer you sit, the harder it is to get up and start moving again.
I am so blessed to have such amazing and truthful conversations everyday with some of the most incredible women. Being honest and having hope are two critical things. When we feel ourselves falling that is when we need to turn to our support system and ask for help. That’s the rub though…our PRIDE often gets in the way. Pride is really an ugly monster, and I deal with this particular devil just about everyday. I am learning that you don’t always have to be the strong one. Sometimes, even when you stumble you help others just through osmosis. When you ask for help you are giving someone else the courage to ask when they need it, and giving them an opportunity to rise up and help another.
In the past week I have watched a good friend unravel. She was so besides herself; she felt like a failure. She stumbled hard, but on the way down she contacted me. I am so PROUD of her for doing this. She was overwhelmed and she needed a night off. What amazed me so much about her was that the next day she just got up, dusted herself off, and got back to it. She turned her stumble into a dance. That took so much strength and courage for her to admit she felt like a failure, ask for help, take the time she needed to re-group and then pick herself back up to carry on.
There is so much we can learn from others struggles and so much we can do to help them on their way. Sometimes just helping someone tweak the way they think or look at things can have an everlasting effect. So what is the point in all of this? If you see someone about to stumble take their hand and help them join the dance.
by Ella | Apr 4, 2012 | ELLA |
So this is where we get real and I let you peer into the once gaping hole that was recently left in me. To write about Roger is like trying to remember a dream as it fades. He left my life as quickly as he entered it; and it remains a sensitive spot.
“One day you will ask me which is more important? My life or yours? I will say mine and you will walk away not knowing that you are my life.” ― Kahlil Gibran
A couple of years back I needed a photographer to come and take some photos of a project I was working on. I was referred to this guy named Roger; I was told he was really good and wouldn’t charge me too much. From our first email we clicked. It took about 2 weeks before we actually met…when he first walked in the door I realized that I hadn’t heard his voice yet (thanks to email and texting). I really didn’t know what to expect. I knew I wasn’t looking for love. Love had turned my life upside down before. I just wanted pictures taken and maybe a new friend.
“One day you will ask me which is more important? My life or yours? I will say mine and you will walk away not knowing that you are my life.” ― Kahlil Gibran
I soon found out that he was the most awesome person I had ever met. He was super smart, philosophical, spiritual, a teacher, he read Neruda & Rumi; an artist of film and photo’s, and a poet too. To top it all off he had a non-profit to benefit children in poor villages in the Caribbean. He surfed, skateboarded, loved hiking, biking, and shot pictures all the time. He still had his childlike sense of wonder intact and he inspired me. It took about 2 weeks before I fell head over heels in love with this person. I knew from the minute we met that we would be life long friends, but I never imagined this. I can even remember the exact moment. It was June and I was standing barefoot at the sink doing dishes. The kids were in the kitchen laughing and the afternoon sun was shining through the curtains. We were talking on the phone and he said, “I just want to touch your hair. I just want to hold you.”
“One day you will ask me which is more important? My life or yours? I will say mine and you will walk away not knowing that you are my life.” ― Kahlil Gibran
Like quickly turned to love and we were inseparable. He was older than me and I loved that he was more experienced. Life had come at him hard and he had weathered it with his gentle soul intact. Looking at life through the eyes of a photographer will shift your perspective forever. Roger did just that for me. He found me, the needle in the haystack, and he loved me honestly and completely. His sensitivity was too much for him and he fell off the wagon about a year after we had met. He convinced himself that he would be okay. Within weeks drugs consumed him and he was but a shell of his former self. He said that I left him, but it was I who was left behind. He chose the drugs or the drugs chose him…it doesn’t matter how you look at it. It was only 6 months later that he was gone. His mother gave me a letter that he had written for me a week before his death. Among many things, he said that he was sorry, and that I was his one true love. He knew he could go through life knowing that he had ben genuinely loved. That is the truth…I loved him. I still feel numb, and writing about him is like writing through the mist.
After being in an abusive marriage I couldn’t take that situation on. Lesson learned the first time around I can happily say. Drugs are not something I care to mess with and the only relationship an addict can have is with his drugs. He took my stance as a choice to leave him behind. My life was falling apart, we had to move 3 times in 2 months, and I was just lost without him. Then one sunny day the kids and I found an amazing little cottage by the sea and moved in. I cried for the entire first month because I missed him so much. I didn’t know anyone and I was scared, heartbroken, and alone. I felt like no one would ever understand, but then I met my neighbors. They welcomed us like family and we started to settle right in. Slowly, life starts to pick up where you leave off; just like the ocean where the waves keep rolling in.
“One day you will ask me which is more important? My life or yours? I will say mine and you will walk away not knowing that you are my life.” ― Kahlil Gibran
I now realize that we are put here to love and be loved. When I got divorced I felt that I had lost my chance at true love. I didn’t believe I was worthy or even capable of loving again. I declared a ban on relationships, marriage, and love. Then I met Liam and he showed me without even trying how easy it is to love again. The great circle of life continues and I find myself still loving. I realized that in this world there are so many amazing people and we are capable of loving all of them in some way. We are certainly capable of being in love more than once. Every person is a whole universe within themselves. Learning how to trust again after you have been so hurt is not easy. Being vulnerable is not easy. What I have found is that if you open your heart, love will find you. It is your job to cultivate it. I miss Roger everyday and I feel him hanging out with me sometimes…usually laughing. I can now smile, and miss him at the same time.
Life goes on and we can choose to be bitter or to trust again. I happen to love being in love. Sometime when I am feeling insecure I hear that little voice in my head telling me that I am not worthy, but I am learning to quickly duck tape her mouth. I am surfing again and the conditions are looking fabulous! xo Ella
by Ella | Apr 1, 2012 | ELLA |
We were all meant to soar! To be free to fly free without any tethers. It’s funny how life is though; it really is like a roller coaster…just when you find yourself up you can drop without a seconds notice. That feeling of falling is almost indescribable. You drop and the adrenaline hits your heart, and then it just starts beating in overtime.
We all sprout wings along the journey. Some of us have lived through many storms and our wings are big and strong. I run a Rebel Thriver group for women. This is a closed group and it is really hard for me to put a label on it. It is a group for women who have survived life so far. It is an incredible group, and I hear the most incredible stories everyday. We come together to support, inspire, and yes even cry together. There is love abundant in this group and I am so proud to be a part of it. The will to LIVE has never been more apparent to me than amongst these women.
Here’s the thing I have learned recently. We all survive something… and life does take prisoners. We don’t have to face it all alone though. I wish that I had this incredible group of women assembled together a few years ago when I could barely think straight because life was just coming at me to fast. Today, I KNOW that we are meant to reach out, help each other, love, and be loved back.
Sometimes our wings don’t work. We try and try, but we find ourselves exhausted and standing in the same place. No movement. When that happens I want to let you know that you don’t need to panic. Sure life is scary some days, but you need not fear. Fear and worry never solves anything. It just makes it worse. When you surround yourself with people who have survived insurmountable odds and can still laugh, count yourself blessed. These very women that are so often times labeled “a mess” are your best allies.
Next time you are feeling weak, confused, or exhausted don’t be afraid to ask one of these incredible women if you can borrow their wings. I assure you that if needed they will most definitely ask you when they are in need of a boost. It is NOT a sign of weakness but of strength. Knowing your limits and asking for help or guidance is a sign of strength. Be proud of yourself and how far you have come.
If you are reading this post and connecting with it at all, remember this key element…Life is give and take. When you seek help, you will be supported. When you are feeling strong that is when you need support others in return. In this simple exercise we can unite together against fear, isolation, loneliness, and pain. We can use these negative feelings to transform each other and grow. There is strength in numbers and I believe that we can all SOAR, even if we are flying in tandem with someone else.
(* I want to thank the active members of Rebel Thriver for showing more love then I thought was possible. Each and every one of you are magnificent in your own ways. I am blessed and honored to know you *)
