I am finally at a place in my life where I can tell my story and not feel burdened by it. It is my past, and I am NOT my past or what happened to me. People so often want to feel sorry for me when I tell them a bit of my story. Which is one of the reasons I don’t share it too much; and details are impossible to share as I am living out of harms way. I am grateful for the empathy that people express, don’t get me wrong, but it’s really education and awareness that is needed. I can speak for women and children of domestic violence; I can speak for women who have been raped. These are things that I have lived through and have triumphed over. These things I understand.
Please don’t misunderstand me when I say I have triumphed. I live with PTSD and anxiety. Many people have heard the term PTSD, but they don’t know what it feels like to be inside my head. I have good days and bad days just like everyone else. I am however in a constant dialogue with myself about all of the triggers that are constantly going off like landmines in my mind. Yes, time has lessened the intensity, however, they are still there. It causes me to lose focus pretty easily and this is the hardest part for me. I used to be so organized and precise; everything just lined up so easily for me. Now, I try so hard and some days I just can’t keep it all straight or get it all done. This causes me anxiety because I am always trying to do my best. It’s exhausting work being me, and what I need to do is be nicer to myself.
I started this blog less than a year ago. My intention was to express my feelings and thoughts for therapy. I needed to be heard…I needed to hear me. Writing it down was the best way for me to do that. I don’t like to tell the details of my story as they are raw and it’s in the past. I have left it there finally. I share my story only so that I can help others feel like they are not alone. It has been put to me many times that I should write a book, but why would I want to write something that I wouldn’t want to read myself? Yes, I fell in love and my dream shattered into a million pieces. I lost my best friend to mental illness. My children lost a father. It’s sad stuff. I had everything I ever wanted in my life…and then it fell apart.
Domestic Violence is humiliating, and it doesn’t discriminate. I want to help take the stigma away. I want to help other’s know that they can stop the cycle and that they can have their life back. It is NOT easy, I won’t lie. I literally escaped with two babies in my arms. I have done years and years of work to get to the place that I am today in terms handling my past. I don’t want to consciously re-visit it. I do want people to know that I have the capacity to understand though. I have walked a long, hard road; but even at my weakest I always managed to keep a glimmer of hope alive. I had a dream that I could have my life back; that’s what kept me going
Rebel Thriver has changed my life. What started out as a personal blog has become a beautiful community. I have the best friends in the world…literally. They continue to challenge me and help me along as I continue to grow and work through the tough stuff. For those of us with broken pasts, we cannot erase them, but we can release them. Freedom lies on the other side of pain. That doesn’t mean that our lives will be pain free…it means that we know that the pain will pass. The sun will shine again and we can feel better. Our days have not been delegated to the shadows. We have a choice everyday. I choose the path of the warrior. I am a Rebel Thriver with a Cause.
If we can each pay it forward and help each other along then humanity wins. I give you my hand. I ask nothing in return but for you to offer yours to someone else. My thoughts might be scattered, but I am focused on one thing. I dream of growing the Rebel Thriver Tribe into a true community. I feel I found my true calling. I haven’t figured out the how yet; I am taking it one day at a time. Eckhart Tolle says, “Do not be concerned with the fruit of your action – just give attention to the action itself. The fruit will come of its own accord.” In other words,”If you build it, they will come.”
It is possible to forgive and let go of the past. It is possible to have a new beginning. Don’t let your past encroach on your present; don’t let the fear of tomorrow rob you of your today. Everything is possible if you believe. Miracles do happen if you are open to receiving them. I have seen them with my own eyes.
xo Ella
