“Love is so short, forgetting is so long.” – Pablo Neruda
So it goes…Life rolls on. Two years have passed and I still miss you. Who says that time heals all wounds? Yes, it’s true, some losses are unbearable; yet somehow we bear them. Everywhere I look, the empty space is filled with you.
Life rolls on and you are still by my side. It’s taken me two years to mourn you; I wasn’t ready to let you go. Today I look death in the eyes and I know that love is louder. Love surpasses even death. I didn’t want to come to this place…to admit your death was to put the final nail in the proverbial coffin. It makes it permanent…and now I have no chance of you walking back through that door. The curtain has dropped, the lights have dimmed, and now you may take your bow.
We shared a love for the sea…heaven on earth. I know that you are here with every wave I hear crashing, and with every wave I ride…you are everywhere. I used to yell at you on the beach to leave me alone, to go off to where the spirits go, but you won’t. I know now that I need you here to remind me that I am okay…the wind beneath my wings. You brought me back to life…you put the color back into my cheeks after so many years of numbness. Oh how I long for you…to hear your voice. Read me Neruda at bedtime again, sing to me with your well-worn guitar, and let me hear your laugh… as loud as life itself. I love you so.
This is my love song. I thought I was broken, and you showed me that I could love again. You gave me back my life and saved me from myself. Because of you I am whole…I am a better mother, a better friend, daughter, sister…all because of you. You believed in me and I am so much better for knowing you. So, while you left me standing here alone, I know that your purpose was whole. I wish I could shed the guilt that I carry…it’s here though to remind me that I can never be complacent. I need to show others how beautifully they shine, that they are loved, and worthy of love in return.
You taught me with your servant’s heart. Your actions always spoke louder than your words. I want to thank you for the flowers you brought me, each and every time you came to my door. Oh how i have cried for you, but today I make my peace. Life is good and our little tribe is happy and thriving. The kids miss you so, especially Jake. It’s hard for kids to lose another father, but they understand that life is complicated and you have to rise after you fall. You have helped me to teach them that, again. I want to scream into the ether that I am so damned angry at you and that I am lost without you, but it would be a lie. It’s survivors guilt; I know it so I let it go.
My life goes on and I shall continue to rise and fall like the tides. I will learn, grow, and I will continue to love. I will share my life with another one day and I know you would want that for me. I shall keep your legacy alive though with every single post that I write for Rebel Thriver. I know that one day I shall meet you again. You have taken the fear of death away from us because we know that when we pass over to the other side you will be standing there to greet us. You gave us such a gift in that…your death was not in vain. Your love was to big for death to claim…It’s mine and I shall keep it until I meet you again. I am the luckiest girl in the world to have known you, to have loved you, and to have been loved by you. I forgive you for leaving me and I make my peace with you today. I will forever be your endless summer and your laughter will always crash onto the shore with the waves for eternity. XO Ella
